Help With My Relationship
Today I have a reader question revolving around money, love and marriage for all of you. I hope after reading today’s post that you, the fans can help Alicia with your opinion. I am only one person and I know that many of you might be in the same position as her or you have been there and can offer up some support. If you have a question you want to ask please email me. You can find all the info on my contact page.
Dear Mr. CBB
I know you run a personal finance blog which I have been following for over a year but since you are a guy I thought maybe I could ask you a question about our relationship problems that seem to be creating a part in our marriage. When we first were dating we talked about money and our finances so we both knew that we were on the same page.
He didn’t have any debt and neither did I since we were quite focused on our careers and staying out of debt. Although we didn’t budget we did talk about a budget after we were married and started to budget as a couple which was great up until recently. We have no kids and are still young but I seem like I’ve jumped ship and there’s no turning back.
We have been so focused on our financial numbers that we aren’t spending any money on “us” to do things together and keep the spark alive in our relationship. I know you don’t need money to have fun but I feel that he has forgotten about me. Sometimes I wonder if he realizes that I want him to be romantic and surprise me with flowers or a special date night that he created. I don’t feel I need to tell a man how to be romantic or that I desire it. It wouldn’t hurt if once in a while if he would tell me I’m beautiful too. It’s the little things that count as well and what I miss from when we first started dating.
I often get jealous when I hear my girlfriends say that their husbands have done something special for them or I hear they are going on day trips and just doing fun stuff together. My husband has become so boring that I don’t know what to do any more, life seems lonely. I want to live my life, have fun, enjoy what my surroundings have to offer even it that means simply going to the beach and watching the waves and taking photos to keep as memories of our time living in that moment. He doesn’t have many friends and that’s because he chooses to be that way so he never goes out with anyone. It’s work and home and that’s it although on the odd occasion he may have a beer with a friend.
I do my best to surprise him but I don’t really spend money because I don’t want him to say that we went over in the budget. A budget is great and has helped us but I also think it’s become so restricting that we are letting our relationship slide. I’ve talked about it with him in the past but he says he doesn’t want to go out for dinner and could care less about the movies as we can watch them for free from the library or cheaper at home streaming them on the television. I don’t argue with him but I believe his thinking is one-sided and that has led me to search out other ways to make me happy.
He does work hard, he’s a brilliant man who is meticulous in all he does and he has lots to do around the house. When you get married and the honeymoon phase is over and if you throw away the key sometimes you find it’s hard to get it back, if ever. I worry about our marriage but at the same time when the spark in a relationship is gone, can you get it back and how? Any tips?
Well, I can’t say I didn’t expect to get an email about relationships since I do tend to talk about them on and off here at Canadian Budget Binder and they are popular posts. I’ve said it before and it’s true that most women simply don’t want money in a relationship they want balance, they want to be loved.
Alicia is not the only one who feels alone in her relationship because of the division of work and play and how money is factored in. Sometimes we let our lives get so entangled in our goals if ever leading to success while letting the people we love take the back seat. If there is no success you may find you’ve not only stumbled at work but also at home and lost it all. Although love is supposed to be about forever and not giving up sometimes it’s hard when you are left holding both hearts.
Marriage breakdown is not always about money, I agree but many times it is. In this case I believe the problem is money and communication between Alicia and her husband. I also believe that Alicia has shut her heart from loving any further because she doesn’t want to feel the pain she feels when she’s lonely. I can tell just by the way Alicia talks to me in her email that her life is blank in many ways yet happy in others.
Alicia wants and craves to be beautiful in the eyes of the one man that she married yet the feeling falls by the side. She knows she is beautiful, every woman is but woman want to hear it once in a while whispered in her ear with gentle kisses. Women want to know that they are the only person in the world that smiles just for a while when their husband tells them how lovely they are. There’s a reason why women love Bruno Mars and why his song “Just the way you are” topped the charts. Hands up ladies if Bruno melts your heart, I’m sure he does. We all crave someone who wants us like a magnetic force. We all want to be loved, that is a naked truth that we cannot hide.
Woman are from Venus and men are from Mars there is no changing the fact that we are on two different levels especially when it comes to emotions. Some men can be dumb as nails and they simply forget while other men are very romantic, they tell their significant other how beautiful they are every single day.
Problems in relationships sometimes fall deeper than what the surface reveals and that’s why it’s important that any couple communicate their feelings. If you stop talking, if you stop feeling, if you stop being one, you will stop loving each other. You may love someone but that doesn’t always mean you are IN LOVE with someone any more.
Sometimes the hurt is too much and that is why people stray because they want to fill that void in their lives and eventually the divorce papers are waiting on the table and the spouse might not have a hope in hell trying to figure it out. Sometimes we wait until it’s too late in a relationship to fix relationship problems and it’s hard to go back. Once the damage is done, the hurt sets in, the anger takes over and we just want to move on.
When a couple works on their relationship to keep it healthy it brings together two people who grow and learn more about each other as time goes on. Any relationship that wants to stay healthy takes work or eventually some couples just settle being with the person they are with, even if they are not happy. Is that fair… to you?
Alicia, I’m not saying that all problems in relationships mean the end is near or it has come. What I’m saying is that if you believe in your heart that you want this marriage to work, then push. I often motivate people to do the right thing but if you feel that you just want out because you don’t think that your love is in the right place you need to make those decisions on your own. Both you and your husband seem very focused on your finances although he may be focusing a bit too much on the finances which in turn is leaving you feeling left out, unappreciated and unloved. Speak. Speak Loud. Speak Clear. That’s all you can do.
There is no dating doctor here at CBB, I’m just a regular guy who loves to love and I know that with heartbreak sometimes it brings a joy that we have longed for, freedom. I read a quote once that said that it’s nice to fall in love when you are young but it’s even nicer to grow old with someone you love forever. I believe in true love, I believe in serendipity I believe that we all have a soul-mate out there, we just need to find him or her.
I also believe that two hearts will call out to each other when they love each other and nothing in this world, not even money will get in the way. Sometimes the simplicity of life is easier than dealing with having money in the bank. It’s a catch 22 for some but if you can balance out your finances and your love affair with love, life and your marriage the both of you might just be able to pick up and keep on walking down the path you promised when you said your vows.
I wish you all the luck Alicia and I know that you will do what your mind and what your heart tells you to do without unguarded decisions, after all you took the time to email me for help. I’ll leave you with a few tips below about the spark in a relationship and some common relationship problems and solutions.
All the best,
Relationship problems and solutions
Failure to communicate
When we are captured by the beauty and love for someone there is never a loss for words. We can talk for hours upon hours to learn as much as we can about someone. There is this heated desire to want to get to know someone and when you can talk to them you feel sad inside. You crave them. The problem is after some time when couples get together, move in together, get married, whatever the accommodation that sexual desire and communication may fade.
In fact for most people it does fade but it is crucial to try and keep the lines of communication open and the attraction desirable. If that means talking about how your day went, plans for the week, working out together etc than do it. When couples stop communicating they are giving up on growing old together. Don’t blame shift and certainly don’t turn a blind eye. We all need to keep motivated so find an outlet and surge to the highest peak for when you reach it your happiness will be the pinnacle of all mankind. We can only create our happiness if we are happy with who we are.
Not enough fun
How to keep happy in a relationship? Easy, make sure you make time to play. I’m not talking just in the bedroom either, I mean doing things together. Too much work and not enough play ends up sinking a relationship faster than you can say…. well missed love. We can love someone so much but we put them on the back burner when it comes to building that love most times for work or hobbies. Talk about what you really want money for and plan it so that you fit your relationship into the mix. Having money and no fun doesn’t make things right.
When we give 110% to something we are passionate about we have to remember that living passion is in our face and we can’t deny that we must give just as much to those that are standing before us with an open heart waiting for our touch. Don’t put all your energy into one basket and forget about your loved ones, seek to balance your life. Take time to plan romantic dates, surprises even day trips to go shopping and pamper each other. Keep reminding each other why you fell in love in the first place.
When couples create debt together that they struggle to pay off most times it will create some sort of tension in the relationship. I believe it’s imperative to have an emergency savings just so you aren’t always so worried if something should go wrong. Knowing you have some Cash instead of using a credit card or line of credit is worth it’s weight in terms of peace of mind.
Too much debt
Having a high debt ratio is taxing on the emotions of many couples who struggle to pay all the bills every month. They juggle bills, credit cards and try to make ends meet so they make it to the end of the month. This entire cycle of finances is tough to manage and simply draining for some people. They can give up hope, feel they are losing the battle but it’s imperative to never give up.
Work hard to kill your debt and work as a team to make sure it doesn’t happen again. A life without debt is a life worth working hard for. It may take you some time but when the goals are in place you then have the stepping-stones to work towards lowering your debt load and saving more for the future. This creates a sense of freedom for many although it may not be independence it’s a damn good start.
Focused on financial numbers
Just like Alicia’s husband who seems very consumed by their financial numbers these numbers can tear down the walls in a relationship. The walls are a sacred place in my eyes because they encompass all the love that a couple has built together and once the walls come down the love has been set free. Money isn’t everything. I don’t want to have to say it over and over but we need to realize that all the money in the world can’t buy love and happiness. Money is good for one thing and that is to pay our way through life so we don’t end up hungry and on the streets. The rest is all just luxury to many. Staying focused is good but losing focus of what is in front of you may cost you big time.
Keeping up with others
I want, I want, I want and those are the 2 words that may just cripple you financially and personally when it comes to money. Desiring what everyone else has and trying to make it a reality can burn bridges, burn you out and burn a hole in your wallet. No one is worth the heartache you may cause yourself, your family and/or your relationship so don’t put so much emphasis on “stuff” in your life. If you want something then save up the cash for it and pay for it in full so no looming debt is upon you, if possible.
Lack of romance
Finally, I leave you with love. I don’t go around and preach that I am a Love Doctor but what I do know is that whether you are male or female both sexes crave love. If you forget about the person you were once so madly in love with, eventually they will forget about you. Eventually someone else may find them attractive, someone else may want to know more about them, someone else will catch their heart and reel them in right before your eyes.
You just don’t know it yet. Don’t be a fool.
If you want your relationship to work you have to put work into it. Plan something special for the 2 of you once a month, surprise each other, hug each other, kiss each other, and tell each other how much you love each other every single day. A simple note filled with passion is free. Most of all, smile for each other for when you both smile it tells you that the other person is happy and in love.
I hope this reader question has you thinking about how some people can kill the spark in a relationship often times without knowing it. I also hope it gives you a broader look about how you are approaching your unity of love between each other with your significant other.
There’s not a day that goes by that I’m not thankful for finding the one, the hard part is keeping that one special person in your life and never letting go. If you want to grow old, grow along the way together and share special times even if it is sitting at the beach in each others arms watching the waves together for hours.
True Love will always find a way to bring two hearts together, forever.
What do you have to say to Alicia? Share your thought in the comment section below.
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