NEW RULES MEAN CHANGE WHICH ALL COUPLES SHOULD EMBRACE
Marriage IS financial, marriage IS physical and marriage IS emotional and without a balance that kingdom will crumble and fast. Marriage issues typically arise for more than one reason but for Mrs. CBB and I we created new rules this year to build up instead of tear us down.
Be the contractor of your life together.
Some people might question why would have any marriage issues when we are debt free but remember, money doesn’t make people truly happy from the inside out. It’s easy to fake a happy relationship when money is priority with fancy cars and a frosting of glass that no one can see through, but the both of you. Let’s be realistic, NO marriage is perfect BUT if you choose not to work on it consistently then it will never flourish.
On the day we got married we thought we knew everything there was to know about each other but 11 years later and we were dreadfully wrong. Just because you fall in love and spend time dating before you get hitched doesn’t mean you really know the person you are marrying. This could pose a big problem if one or more of the 3 houses in marriage are not met equally with honour.
When money becomes the root of your anger and arguments perhaps there is a vital key missing or needing improvement in your marriage. This is where creating new rules which include your financial marriage which I will explain in a bit further below but for the meantime think about what it means to you.
By now all couples should know that communication in marriage is vital to the success of the relationship but not everyone is doing it. The result is a breakdown in almost all three marriage categories that I believe every couple becomes a significant part of when they say, I do.
- Financial Marriage
- Physical Marriage
- Emotional Marriage
A primary drain on marriage starts with the person who is feeling the drain. Most often we aren’t happy with ourselves, our job and income. These barriers that many people try to jump over then leak into marriage concerns if the communication element is lacking.
When you get married you come together as a couple to say, I DO and I WILL support, love and be there for each other in every aspect of life. For many couples we agree in the moment that we will do all of this and more but as soon as you’re hitched things can nose-dive quickly if you didn’t mean it like you agreed to it.
Although money is an important part of a marriage so is the physical and emotional squad that needs balance. Don’t let money dominate your marriage because then you may fail at the physical and emotional side. It’s important to have an equal understanding of how you’re achieving your goals as a couple.
New Rules for a happy marriage
If you’re that person that is shrugging this off while reading thinking it’s another load of rubbish, you’re wrong. Potentially you have some holes in your relationship that you haven’t covered up even if you think, it’s a match made in heaven. If not then you probably have or do talk frequently with your spouse and do things together including checking off the three parts of marriage.
The worst thing you can do is not have any type of rules in a relationship where you both talk, negotiate and set boundaries about how you will both work as a team to build your lives together. Just like finance a relationship can be very complex and won’t run on auto.
Another thing to consider is that marriage evolves which means you grow and learn more about each other as the years go on. This is why having new rules every so often helps renew the relationship. There is no set it and forget it button once you have your marriage licence.
One of our biggest marriage concerns which we talked about recently before creating our new rules was the time we spent together. We hardly made or had time for each other and our son didn’t make that any easier even though we love him to bits.
There was no going out together alone and we started to slip on the emotional side of the marriage because we weren’t seeing each other as much. Being lonely is one thing but not having that one on one time with the person you love is a struggle that many couples face. I’m not talking about night-time chatter in bed either.
At the beginning of 2018 we came up with a set of new rules that we hope will make this year better than the last 5 years since our lives took off full-speed. The birth of our son and my career change took its toll on all of us which is why we needed to start fresh this year.
One of the things we agreed on was that we should always re-visit our rules and create new rules when needed only because life changes. Just recently my father-in-law passed away and that has caused a big disconnect in our relationship due to grieving among other things. This is where life changes happen and perhaps we aren’t sure how to handle them as a couple but we learn from them. Moving forward you incorporate what you learn into new rules for the next round.
If you believe in your marriage, love your spouse and would do anything for them then don’t brush this off as a joke and the stupidest idea ever. No idea is silly especially when it involves your LIFE. It’s not like you walk out the door each morning with a sign attached to you telling the world you’ve created new rules for your marriage. No one gives a rats about what you do, trust me.
The Marriage Sandwich
You are not a failure at marriage you’re a fighter because if you believe a marriage will simply work itself out, you’re wrong. Many people stay in unhappy marriages for the rest of their lives because they are too shy to speak up, can’t speak up or simply don’t care about working on it.
Our new rules below work themselves into each other and benefit each of the three parts of marriage, financial, emotional and physical.
The financial marriage is the part where you are both on the same page with money and agree to follow it closely so you don’t end up in debt. You want to increase your net worth by increasing your income stream or creating new sources for money success. All of this can’t be done without the support of each other in the marriage. Talking about money is necessary and not an option in our books.
The emotional marriage is the part where we take time out for each other without distractions. Just because you are a parent doesn’t mean you don’t deserve a break. Going out on a date or walking hand in hand downtown exploring the different shops together really helps couples bond. Be that happy couple that REALLY IS happy and not faking it for the camera.
The physical marriage may not be top-priority for all couples but this doesn’t include just sex. Clearly when you were dating and then decided to get married there must have been some sort of physical attraction. This could include any facet of the body or just the way you make each other feel when you hold each other. It’s true that after marriage all that fun that was once explosive may dwindle but it doesn’t have to.
Kissing each other on the forehead, holding hands, hugs, dancing and massages are great ways to keep the physical marriage bond together. Look into each others eyes often, smile and tell your spouse, I Love You. A quick note about sex… just because you don’t care for it doesn’t mean your spouse doesn’t either.
Going out on a date does not have to be complicated and expensive but it is important. I know people who are jealous of couples who post their date night Facebook updates only because, they don’t do it. It’s amazing to see a couple doing things together and letting the world know how happy they are. We need more of that.
Since our son was born we had not been out on a date so one of our new rules was to incorporate date night into our lives and budget. One cool idea we found on Groupon Canada was dinner and painting which is supposed to be full of laughs. Another date night idea that we came up with was to do something one of us enjoys but the other hasn’t tried yet.
Mrs. CBB loved going to Bingo when she was younger and I never gone before so to Bingo we went. It was a new experience for me and I was shocked at how some of the men and women were able to scan and dab numbers so fast.
There were plenty of laughs and I even made a right mess of ink all over my hands in a frantic race to catch up with one game. No, I didn’t win BUT I experienced something that my wife loved and it made us both happy.
I’ve been a fan of car and truck racing for many years now and have never went to any live races before but would love to. Mrs. CBB has little to no interest in cars or trucks but is very excited to go with me this summer to an event in Toronto where we can not only spend time together but learn about something new.
Keep in mind that whatever your date night looks like it doesn’t have to cost massive amounts of money. Work date night into your budget if you can and even if you don’t have money to spare then find ways to do things together for free in your community.
You may already know that my wife is a stay-at-home mom which means she’s been with our little guy day in and day out for years without a break. Not only did we make starting daycare for our son a way for Mrs. CBB to chill out one day a week but for our son to experience time away from the both of us.
We found that our son was becoming dependent on us for everything where he should have progressed to do things on his own. After some chats with a local parenting community group funded by the city we decided to enroll him in daycare.
Since being in daycare he is happier, loves to sing and dance and overall is coming out of his shell. He now eats more, uses the toilet instead of diapers and his manners have improved. He also has this desire to play with friends and is far from the shy boy he was becoming.
On the other hand Mrs. CBB is able to get more work done around the house and we have been able to get out of the house alone to go to appointments and do other bits that typically take us longer with our little guy.
This is costing us $40 a week which ties in with our financial marriage but boy is it sure paying off for both our emotional and physical marriage. This will only last until he heads to Kindergarten in September which then opens up some new rules for our marriage and a time to re-visit this house.
Earning as much money as we could was always a big part of our relationship from the get-go from coupons, focus groups to attending food tasting for cash money. I would never reject working overtime because we viewed it as money lost and although it was not so much a rule for us but a way to save for our future we’ve decided to create new money rules.
Our new money rule is to not work as much because we don’t need to any longer. No one really has to work any more than they choose to but for us getting ahead was the name of the game and it paid off for us. Now it’s time for us to slow down and focus on life and family.
Although earning money is still very important we’ve learned that without a work-life and marriage balance you can easily find yourselves drifting away from each other.
As you may have noticed I’ve taken a bit of a break from Facebook and blogging because not only am I swamped with work but we’ve got a family crisis happening where emotional marriage trumps all at the moment. Our new rules hold us up in the most difficult of times.
If you can’t step back from working at least try to focus on adding date nights to your marriage and making time to be together until you find that financial peace almost everyone so desperately wants. I don’t know many people who want to be in debt forever but there is no race to the finish line as long as you are comfortable with your pace.
Fear of change will set you back
These are our new rules and something we wanted to share with all of you in hopes you explore how your marriage is stacking up to expectations. What you both need is entirely up to you but remember with marriage automation does not make things easier as it does for your budget and paying the bills.
Think twice before letting what you’ve built fall apart.
Discussion: What are your thoughts on the three levels in marriage that I’ve covered in this blog post?
- Financial Marriage
- Emotional Marriage
- Physical Marriage
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