How To Handle Parents Who Stick Their Nose Into Your Bank Account Balance
There comes a time when our bank account balance becomes our own secret numbers and no one should know them but the owner of the bank account.
I received an email from a fan who shares her concerns with all of us and is hoping to get some feedback to help her move forward with her situation without breaking any bridges in her family.
A tough situation indeed but one that must be dealt with especially when you borrow money from your parents.
Telling Parents To Mind Their Business
Dear Mr.CBB
My parents taught me about money when I was young which means I use a budget (I use your CBB Budget Spreadsheet) but they also didn’t just give me money either.
I had to pay back my parents as I got older if I borrowed money for things that I wanted rather than needed.
My parents always took half of my paycheque when I worked and knew exactly what my bank account balance was.
Moving forward I’m now 21 years old and my parents paid for part of my education and I have to pay them some of the money back.
That was the deal we agreed on so I wasn’t so worried about it.
I work part-time during the week and on weekends to give them back the money they gave to me.
The problem is they still want to check my bank account balance online and know how much money I earn.
I don’t always tell them exactly what is in my account I simply give them an average bank account balance of the past months as my income fluctuates.
I’ve yet to get a credit card but the more I read about student debt I want to stay away although I do want to build credit in my name.
I wonder how long it will be before they realize I’m an adult and they are being nosey into my finances.
I don’t owe them anything but the agreed amount for my education.
I didn’t have to get OSAP so I’m forever grateful but my student accounts were funded in part by my parents which means I am in debt to them.
There has to be a point where they let me grow up and take care of my own finances and account balance rather than hold my hand.
Sometimes I feel like they don’t trust me with my money.
How can I go about telling my parents that what I earn and what my bank account balance states is my own private business without hurting their feelings?
Thanks for any tips from you or the CBB fans.
~Crystal
Over Protective Parents and Your Bank Account Balance
Hi Crystal…
Thank you for contacting me first off. I don’t know that I’ve personally been in the same type of situation as you, however, I have borrowed money from my parents before.
When I was younger I was taught about money because both my parents were not only frugal but they counted their pennies.
They wanted to make sure that when I went out into the world they wouldn’t have to worry about my finances or what my bank account balance was.
I don’t think my parents have ever asked what my bank account balance was after the age of 18 but before that, they did know exactly how much money I had in the bank.
I did have a credit card but like many people, I thought I’d own one just in case of an emergency which in my opinion is not always the best route to go.
Today, I’m all about having cash for emergencies and not using credit but that differs from person to person.
It depends on how long you want to owe people money.
I quickly learned that any debt owed is debt I have to pay back no matter what and if it wasn’t making me guaranteed money then it wasn’t debt that I wanted.
They are my parents after all and since I was living under their roof and they were responsible for me they often checked my bank account balance to make sure everything was accurate and to go over the figures with me.
Needless to say by the time I moved out of the house I had a pretty good grip on understanding finances.
Deciding how much financial information to divulge, if any
When I bought my first house at 21 I did talk to my parents about it and they did ask about how much down payment I was putting on the house.
I told my parents what they wanted to know because I knew they wanted to make sure I was on the right track buying a house so young.
I don’t look back and think what they did was wrong and never once have they asked me my bank account balance.
The questions were simply to make sure I knew what I was doing financially or at least what I was getting myself into.
Some parents have a hard time letting go of their children or they tend to be overprotective with them which may hurt them in the long run.
Shannon over at The Heavy Purse talks about snowplough parenting where parents aren’t allowing children to make their own decisions.
By doing this, children aren’t allowed to learn from their experiences and mistakes.
If you are never able to make your own decisions and learn from your mistakes how will you ever become experienced in life lessons?
Parents can’t shield us from the world, only guide us and love us unconditionally.
Your parents certainly need to know that you are an adult now and that your finances and bank account balance are private.
Bank Account Balance and Marriage
What happens if you get married and they try to innocently pry into your bank account balance as a couple?
They may if you don’t put your foot down and cause rifts in your personal relationship if you don’t.
Even worse they may question any of your boyfriends that you bring home about how much money they earn and how much debt they have.
These are questions that you need to find answers to on your own.
Keeping your bank account balance private
I’d likely sit down with my parents and have a talk about my relationship with them and my account balance or specifically my overall financial picture.
I would let them know how much I appreciate their financial guidance and how I have learned how to budget and make sure that my debts are paid in full.
I think by reassuring them that you do know what you are doing might help.
I’d also let them know that it’s time that you ventured out on your own financially and although you appreciate their help you want to handle your finances on your own and keep what you have in your bank account private.
You know your parents better than anyone so handling the situation delicately is likely a smart situation since it sounds like they are struggling to let you go out on your own.
I’m sure the fans will have more helpful hints for you especially those that might be in the same situation.
After I borrowed money from my parents I paid it back in full as soon as I sold my house and moved to Canada. I needed money to help me finish off some renovations.
One thing I learned from that situation was that I needed emergency savings because I was sinking all of my money into the house to pay the mortgage off faster.
Everything in life is about balance.
Since we just paid our mortgage off that was one thing we both made sure to have in our bank account, extra cash.
My parents have never asked about how much money my wife had before we got married or how much income we earn.
They know we paid our house off so why would they need to ask questions?
I guess I feel proud that my parents don’t have to worry about me financially.
I really don’t think to worry about your child ever goes away.
Over the years they have seen how I have handled my finances and trust that I will make the best decisions that I can or that I will find a professional for advice.
I’m no professional by any means so take what I say as strictly my opinion however as I said, you know your parents best.
Discussion: What tips would you give to Crystal to help her with the situation she is in?
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Hi i am 18 years old and i want to changed my account from i high school checking account ive told my dad i wanted to do that and i was going to need to know out to pay bills and stuff but he doesn’t see it that way he thinks if he pays them for me that my credit will continue to be good ..i just want control of my own account thats all
I just read this article and wondered how no one seemed to notice this piece of info that Crystal said…. when she was working through school her parents took part of what she earned…before she went to college…so my question is what did they do with it? did they use it? did they put it aside for her to use later on? as in paying for her college expenses?? has she kept track of how much she owes her parents to know exactly what to pay back? my feeling in reading her report is that they may be taking advantage of an agreement made years ago and she may not see what is going on
Crystal,
Thanks for that honest post. I truly appreciate hearing it “from the other side”. But, for all of you younger ones out there saying that it’s “really hard for your parents to let go” – ha! It’s not that at all. They are PRAYING to be in a position to let go – but they can’t do that when they’re seriously wondering how you’re going to eat and house yourself. That’s it – that’s all of it. Once you show them you can and will survive without their financial support, trust me they’ll be out of your financial life in an eye-blink. There are two sides to this coin.
And, having been in the position where we were flat-ass broke with no parental financial support, trust me, you’re sitting pretty. Count your blessings and then prove to your parents that you are OK without them. They’ll be out of your financial life very, very quickly.
Crystal, I think it’s wonderful that your parents raised you to be money smart and careful with how you use your money. In addition, they offered you some financial support to help pay for college, which you are the process of paying back. From your remarks, it sounds like your payments to your parents are going well, meaning that you haven’t missed a payment or been late, which I could understand that alarming your parents. My guess is that your parents – like many parents – are having a hard time letting go. They want to make sure you’re okay, which is lovely but at the same time it’s understandable that you also want some independence and privacy. As others suggested, I would sit down and have a heart-to-heart with them. Be incredibly respectful because from what you described is doesn’t sound like their nosiness is meant to be hurtful but more like habit. Thank them for their generosity and for teaching you how to value and use your money wisely. Because I believe much of their nosiness is out of concern, give them one final walk through to soothe their concerns, then ask them to respect your privacy. Reassure them that if something changes or you need sound money advice, they are your first call, but thanks to their help and lessons, you are ready to manage your finances by yourself. Hope that helps and good luck!
And thanks, Mr. CBB for the shout-out. I am a hands-on parent but I definitely want to raise my girls to independent. I’m not going to be giving them wake-up calls in college to make sure they get up in time to go to class or call their professors to complain about a bad grade. Yikes!
This is a tough situation to be in. I was lucky to have my parents fund most of my college education – I was responsible for incidentals like books, parking etc. I unfortunately had a lack of judgement with my money twice in my life and my parents have bailed me out both times, BUT I paid them back. I’ve since learned that borrowing money from family is not a good idea and I’ve sat them down and had a discussion that I will no longer accept ANY money from them. I’ve told them politely that I need to fail, learn and figure it out on my own. It’s unfortunate but when you borrow money from parents it gives them the impression that you need constant financial advice and that they’re entitled to regular updates as to how much you owe and what’s in your bank account. I’m 38 and I get treated like a high school kid, or I did until I had that talk with them.
I am really surprised in the comments how many parents still have access to their adult children’s accounts! I would recommend to your reader that they get a new bank account without a parent’s name on it, and keep the details private. A parent could use just the account number to deposit gift money, but not have the password to check balances online. Or just change the password if the parent’s name isn’t on the account. The conversation could then be, “Here’s what I’ve decided to do.” I’m sure it would make the parents feel better if the reader provided updates voluntarily (such as “I started an emergency savings fund and it will be paid up by the end of the year”) or asks for advice (such as “I have $500 in my savings now and I’m wondering if I should open a TFSA?”) Probably the parents want reassurance and like to feel needed!
I have a 21-year-old who is financially struggling but I don’t have access to their account, nor want it. I’d rather have conversations, than do surveillance!
In spite of the teaching our older boy is not good with money, not sure but his impulsiveness might be related to his Asperger’s. I still talk to him about his money just to keep an eye on things. He’s OK with this as he does realize he needs that over-sight.
When our daughter went to college she needed help with school so we co-signed a student line of credit for her. Hubby could check the balance online as his name was on it, but the only thing we could do was make a payment on it. That has since been paid off so we do not have any more access to the account.
When the younger boy got his first savings account he was young enough that I went in with him. Our deal was that my name was on it and he could deposit Birthday money or what ever but he needed my signature to withdraw money. When he wanted to go shopping for Christmas or other times I went in with him to take the money he figured he needed out. Once he was older we removed the requirement for my signature. We found out after that my name was still on it and when hubby and I went to the bank for things like the mortgage his account balance showed up on the print out of our accounts. We talked to the bank and the only way right now to stop that happening is for him to shut down that account and open a new one.He decided to leave things the way they are, as he felt that going that route was too much of a pain in his fanny. He simply doesn’t care that I can easily find out his balance. To be honest I don’t bother looking to see what he has, it’s his business. I just need to remember what that account is when ever we get that printout…..
He and his sister are capable of looking after things themselves. The older boy, not so much, but he doesn’t mind showing me what he has as he knows he needs that help. He and I talk about things before he gets anything beyond his smokes. That is just the way it has to be.
Each one of our kids is different in style and temperment as well as ability to handle the finances. As a parent it is my job to give what help is needed and to know when it isn’t. Not every parent can let go that easily or know when they need to back off. This parent does need to back off some. The best idea might be to get what this person owes her parents paid off as quickly as possible in order to prove, if possible, that they are capable of handling their own affairs. That said, the parents may not be willing to back off then but will need to be told, gently, that it is no longer their concern…
I just also downloaded the CBB Budget Spreadsheet because I only use a mobile application. My parents paid my full tuition when I was in my college days until I graduated, my mom doesn’t snoop on my bank account. Right now, I help my family because we are a one income family, my father was the only one who was working for our family and now I need to support my family “mom and sister”, even in a little ways.
I’m only 18 but I really appreciate having my mom on my bank account with me. Sometimes I will ask her to sit down with me so I can go over what I have and make sure I’m on track for reaching my goals. It’s a big help to have her advice and something I want. Because she is on my account she can see every transaction. I think the key for me is that I WANT her help and she is willing to help me. I have no doubt that when I am ready to be completely on my own she will respect my privacy.
As you get older, move out and maybe get into a relationship your thoughts on having your mom looking into your bank account along with your future spouses feelings might change. Like you mention you are pretty sure she will respect your privacy and with everything you’ve learned your mom I’m sure is very proud of you Eva. You are young now and like myself I had my parents help me too until I moved out on my own.
My son’s bank account is his. He lets me know now and then what he has in his chequing and his savings. I currently don’t have him helping with any of the household expenses. His bill is his cell phone bill only.
But I know a neighbor, whose son is 22, who does monitor her son’s bank account. He assists where needed with expenses since his mom is disabled, however, when he’s out and about, she will go into his account to see what he’s been spending. Why he continues to put up with her having access to his account is beyond me. I’m sure if he knew how often she checks what he’s spending, he may buck up and put a stop to it. He’d be better paying board of so much a month in order to have control of his bank account.
Interesting to hear that she does that. There must be a reason beyond being nosey or she wants to make sure he’s not blowing money so there is enough to help pay with her expenses.
No matter how you deal with the situation (and I do recommend dealing with it), be KIND!
I’d say something like this,
“I appreciate you both being concerned about my financial health. You’ve helped me get into a position where I’m financially stable. I really appreciate that. But I feel perhaps you’re worrying yourselves too much. You did well in teaching me about money. At this point I feel my finances are under control. How about in the future I just let you know if I’m having any troubles. That way you don’t have to worry about checking in. Does that sound reasonable?”
It will be hard for them to say it’s unreasonable.
You’re smart for taking care of this now before it permanently damages your relationship.
I’m 24 by the way so I realize how weird it can be to sever chords with your parents.
Thanks for sharing your tips mate. Well done.
My mom was this way, because when I got my first checking account, her name was on it as well. When I went to college though (they didn’t help me pay for it), I opened a new account without her. If I hadn’t, she would still be checking up on me even though I’m married!
WOW, you think she would still check up on you even though you are married. Amazing how far some parents would go. My mum and dad are too busy worrying about their own finances that the last thing they’d want to do is snoop into mine. Good for you getting your own account.
It would suck to have your parents being so snoopy! My Mom still has access to my bank account, but mostly so she can deposit money into it 🙂 ie- “here is money to buy X for your spouse’s birthday from us”
My Father in law is an income tax accountant and has access to all of our accounts, but not for snooping purposes, just for tax time.
My mum deposits money into my UK bank account at Christmas and whenever she needs to for whatever reason.
I am lucky enough to never have borrowed from my parents, even though I know my sister has. My mom (dad is deceased), never asked for a balance on her account, and she has never asked for mine, not even as a teenager. As a teenager she taught me money management and to look to the future but gave me the opportunity to make my own choices. We do talk candidly about our financial situations, but in general terms, not specific dollars – she is a retiree on a very tight budget and we are now a 1 income family with 1 child. I am trying to go back to school in the fall and my mom is concerned about whether we can financially sustain ourselves. Even as a result, she would never ask me for my balance, just lend support emotionally to help me on my journey.
This person asking the question really needs a sit down with her parents and express some limits. Mr. CBB is right, if she doesn’t get a handle on it now, they may be wanting such details after marriage. It is important to set boundaries. At age 21 she is an adult and hasn’t defaulted to her parents. They need to learn to trust her and let her make her own choices and even mistakes if need be. I know I certainly could have saved more money when I was 21 and just didn’t, if I could go back I would have handled my money much differently. But my mom (and dad at the time) let me choose my path. Good luck!
Well said Angela I agree. If your parents wanted to have access to your account would you have let them when you were younger?
No, I wouldn’t have let them have access based on my life experiences. But that said, they didn’t help me with my college tuition (occasionally a few dollars for groceries or gave me food) and I felt no obligation to do so. I would like to say if they did help I wouldn’t have as well, but frankly my parents just weren’t the type. My mom taught me coupons from a very early age, we struggled to get food on the table sometimes and I would help out too, money was just tight. So, she was trying to help me get a leg up and encourage my independence rather than curb it. That said, I have an account set up for my son that we’ve been saving for his university or college education, but he is aware that he will not have access to that money until he is in post secondary school. Once he is old enough to manage an account on his own, we will open a separate one for him and let him learn the same way I did.