Taking Back Control: Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce
Estimated reading time: 11 minutes
Navigating life after divorce can be challenging. Discover ways to regain control, overcome emotional rollercoasters, and find your path to happiness.
If you are or have ever been divorced, you will likely agree with me that going through a divorce is not fun.
The rollercoaster of emotions that you may feel, anger, depression, frustration, helplessness, and fear, to name a few, can drain the life right out of you.
It may be difficult to pick yourself up and regain control of your life, but it can be done.
I firmly believe that no one can make YOU happy but YOU.
I’m not perfect, and I do not claim to have it all figured out when it comes to life, but you are in control of your life, and your choices are up to you.
You may not be able to control another person’s actions, but you can control how you react to them and how you let them bother you.
I thought I would share a few of my thoughts and observations I have noticed over the last three years of being a single parent.
Breaking The Ties After Divorce
Unless you are someone who likes misery, who wants to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?
Staying attached to feelings that are not reciprocated will only continue to make you unhappy and hinder your chances of being truly happy again.
You can’t force someone to love you or want to be with you.
Is being unhappy so enjoyable that it is worth fighting about irrelevant things?
Your relationship has ended, and the sooner you realize that fighting and arguing only causes unnecessary stress, the sooner you can find your happiness again.
Giving in and getting walked all over is NOT the way to compromise, nor should it be tolerated.
You are adults; act like adults.
Even when you don’t think your kids see or hear what’s happening, they can feel what’s happening.
After a few weeks of mixed emotions expressed back and forth between my ex-husband and me, I let him know that I was not going to continue that way.
With two kids under the age of 2 at the time, I did not have the desire or energy to fight with him, and our kids did not need to be exposed to that kind of stress.
Divorce With Kids
I understand there are scenarios where seeing both parents is not in the kids’ best interest.
If children are involved in a divorce and it is safe to do so, the parents need to find a way to parent them separately while keeping their best interests in mind.
There is no sense in making it seem like you are getting back together if you are not, and it’s not fair to the children.
Moneyshould notd be fought over as it adds stress in the lives of yourselves and your kids and as parent,s you both have a responsibility to provide for your kids.
There is no reason (other than safety issues) that a mom and dad have to live under the same roof to be able to fulfill their role as parents.
Avoid teaching your kids to dislike their other parents.
I spoke today with a single dad who hasn’t seen his kids in a few months because their mother has coached them and been a poor example by being disrespectful to him.
His children act out when in his care, and now she will not let him see them, even for Christmas, because he can’t handle them in her opinion.
What do you expect when you feed them negative thoughts and show them that it is okay to treat them that way?
After all, kids’ behavior is learned, and if mommy/daddy acts this way, it’s OK for them, too, in their minds.
As long as my kids are safe and provided for in their dad’s care, he will continue to see them, and the kids can form their own opinion of him as they grow up.
Child Support After Divorce
I am not a person who desires conflict in my life, so I have a hard time wrapping my head around some of the horror stories I have heard of the fights over child support.
How often have you heard of scenarios where the kids don’t get to see their dad because he doesn’t pay enough to their mom?
My advice to women and men in some instances is that taking your ex to the cleaners for child support is not likely in the best interest of your kids.
While child support is necessary, and I feel both parents have a financial obligation to the children, keep in mind that the other parent also needs to be able to rebuild a life of their own.
This includes providing a healthy, stable environment for the kids, having a roof over their heads, and being able to feed and provide for their child when in their care.
I’ve heard from too many single dads out there about their ex-wives who are constantly asking for money above and beyond what has been set out for them to pay or what they agree on.
Some use money as a means to take advantage of each other emotionally and or threaten to keep the child away, and this is wrong.
A common concern I have heard from single dads’ is…”I pay X for child support, but she always asks for more.”
I have no problem paying for my kids, but I must also live.
Money is the root of all evil and, in many cases, the cause of most divorces.
I admit that I will never understand the way some people think.
Why do so many people fight about money when it should be what is in the kids’ best interest?
One parent may not be able to provide as much financially, but does that mean they should lose the right to see their kids?
I think not. Rebuilding your life and finances after a divorce is imperative, but there have to be limits. It’s not always how we want them to be.
It seems in many cases that the courts are out to get the dads and sometimes set them up for failure.
If a man wants to be in his kid’s life, why is the amount of money that he has or doesn’t have the deciding factor for some in how often or whether or not the kids can see their dad?
Your kids need to see both parents happy.
Time Is Money
If your former spouse is genuinely interested in being a part of your children’s life, why hold them back?
After all, the kids, having the presence of their father/mother in their life is more important to them than the amount of stuff he/she could provide.
Kids should not have to lose out on having a parent in their life because of money.
If they cannot provide financially working out a reasonable custody and access agreement can benefit everyone but should not be used against each other.
As much as you may despise your ex, as long as they provide a safe environment for your children, why would you not welcome the help or the break?
It sure beats paying for extra child care or a babysitter.
This should not be used as a way to manipulate each other but rather be compromised by both parties so you work together.
Sometimes, you both need time away or longer or shorter days with the kids but don’t use it as a fighting platform when something goes wrong.
You can’t always be at their beck and call.
Taking a break from single parenthood is also necessary for your sanity.
Budgeting
I am very grateful to have stumbled upon Canadian Budget Binder when I did.
Creating a budget has been a vital tool in making sure that no matter what, I am accountable for my kids.
I do so because I know how much money I have coming in and going out.
In this day and age, the only person you can rely on is yourself.
Having a budget allows me to go to sleep at night without stressing out about how I will buy groceries that week or put gas in my car.
Mr. CBB has many free money-saving and budgeting tools available on the blog many of which I use in my personal life including his budget.
Keeping track of where your money is going and learning what you can live without will make being a single parent more manageable.
Convenience Can Be Problematic
While many divorced couples are unable to even be in the same room with each other.
Sometimes maintaining a relationship that is too civil or accommodating to your former spouse can be detrimental as well.
I am not saying not to try to be civil with you, but I know where and when to draw the line to prevent further problems in your life.
If one spouse is or was controlling in the relationship, realize that you are no longer together and they cannot continue to control you.
You have the right to say no without feelings of losing the ability to see your child or emotional abuse.
You can’t move on and fall in love again or expect someone you fall in love with to be put through the wringer emotionally because you allow yourself to be manipulated as a parent ;
Also, if the ex still loves you and tries to put roadblocks in your path of happiness to stop you from moving on even if they have themselves.
Sure it was convenient to ask my ex-husband to help me move my new treadmill to my basement when he dropped my daughter off the other day but calling him to come over and cut my grass and be my on-call handyman isn’t appropriate.
Taking care of mmy dailyneeds and asking a nneighbor friend ,or family member for help gets me through my days.
How could I successfully have another relationship with my ex-husband, hanging around all the time?
The answer is I likely couldn’t because I am not entirely giving the attention I need to my new love interest,
I’m exposing them to something they should not have to deal with: my controlling ex.
The sad part is you might just lose the one person you were meant to fall in love with or be with because you don’t take control of a situation with an ex.
We hear this so many times where a new relationship falls apart because the parents can’t get along.
Manipulation is the ultimate jealousy and resentment game one partner plays to keep someone from moving on.
Emotional Abuse
In a relationship what some call love can sometimes be expressed as emotional abuse.
In most cases, emotionally abusing a spouse is a form of trying to maintain power in a relationship.
If power and control were an issue during your marriage, they would continue to be an issue even after a divorce.
Not being allowed to see your children because of rumors that you might be dating someone is a good example of this.
Please stand up for yourself as you have the right to move on and be happy, and what you do in your private life is none of their concern as long as your kids are safe and healthy.
Your ex needs to realize that you will move on and you will fall in love again.
The new person WILL be a part of your life and WILL be with you, and they can’t stop, control, or abuse you mentally because of it.
We do not plan for divorce when we get married, but it is all too familiar these days.
It can go one of two ways…
- With the best interests of everyone in mind
- Selfishly and vindicate.
Remember that you cannot control the actions of others but can choose how you deal with and respond to them; after all, it is YOUR life that YOU need to get back.
Don’t miss out on your life,e and move forward because you can’t take back your life and be happy.
You may live to regret that one day.
Discussion: What other advice could you offer someone recently separated or divorced?
Please leave your comments below.
Thanks for visiting,
Mr. CBB
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