Estimated reading time: 10 minutes
Saving money is one thing, but hoarding money to the point where you are afraid to spend it may strain your relationship.
Believe it or not, some people have hoarding money tendencies because fear of living without cash can push people over the edge.
Just because someone is in debt doesn’t mean they are OK with it, even though some people think that having consumer debt is normal.
Some people get very ill thinking about their debt, which can cause significant stress, mainly affecting their health, job, and relationships/family.
Debt Scares Husband To The Bank Hoarding Money
What else could money possibly affect?
It’s hard to find a middle ground sometimes when money becomes the reason for living.
I’m not saying money is unnecessary because it is, but it’s serious business for those who scare themselves off a cliff.
Having millions of dollars in the bank when retirement would be great, but you don’t have to live like a miser to get you there.
Money is another way of stashing cash someone is too afraid to spend unless forced to. i.e., Paying the bills to live.
Maybe hoarding might not be the perfect word for what this reader is going through, but it’s the word she chose to use, so it must mean something to her.
Hoarding Money Leads To Tension
Why does hoarding money exist?
It may exist for many reasons, but I’m going to assume that something traumatic has happened to the individual.
At some point in their life, an occurrence has worried, stressed, or scared them into saving.
I have yet to meet anyone who hates money, but some people live off the land and want nothing to do with working and living in the rat race.
Then other people can’t stop saving money and are workaholics.
Hoarding money may start with paying off any debts owed, including the mortgage, because the person doesn’t want to owe anyone anything.
From there, they start to save money, but no amount will satisfy them unless there is a certain number in mind.
The extremely money-conscious person may not relax financially until they have a million dollars in the bank or a few suitcases hidden in the closet.
Note: I do not suggest this, by the way. If there is a fire or a theft, the money is gone.
Some may want to stash a few hundred dollars around the house for emergencies.
I’d recommend steering clear of hoarding money without balance in life in the first place but keeping it at home or, even worse, in the trunk of your car.
Hoarding can become a severe issue that needs to be discussed with your family doctor.
The problem is most people who have compulsive tendencies don’t see this as a problem.
If you feel that hoarding is getting out of control in your life or someone you love, maybe it’s time to bring it to your physician’s attention before it’s too late.
There is a treatment for hoarding; if the person is willing to accept help, making it available is a great starting point.
Today I have a reader question from a wife who wants to share a story about love, money, and debt and how it affects her relationship.
When I was dating my husband, he would spare nothing to make me happy and take me on romantic dates.
I would always have roses every month, and he’d take me on shopping excursions at least once a month.
Taking holidays was something we did at least two times every year, and we would travel anywhere our heart desired within reason, but the cost was not a significant issue as we didn’t have any kids.
We both had and still have pretty decent careers, which earn us a comfortable living, but it wasn’t always this way. I’m not talking about the earning part but the relaxed position.
Over the years, all the “stuff” we bought or put on credit started to add up.
Debt Hurt Us Financially
Eventually, our debt ratio reached the point where we had to sell our million-dollar home in Toronto and move out of the city to something more affordable.
Now we both commute into Toronto to work at the hospital, but it’s not that bad of a drive, although, at times, it can be draining after working VERY long hours.
Our debt got so out of control in 2012 that my husband was unplugging the home phone so he didn’t have to deal with harassing creditors calling the house demanding their money.
I was against getting a home line of credit because it wasn’t solving the problem. I’m glad he was too. Selling was our only option at the time.
It wasn’t very comfortable, considering we make great money. How could this happen to us?
It did, and after selling our house, we had enough equity in the home to pay back all the debt and avoid bankruptcy which we were on the brink of.
Maintaining our home was not the issue.
It was our spending because we felt we were entitled due to our career status, and everyone else we knew was living the dream.
We thought we should follow suit.
Learn To Say No
It’s hard to say no when your friends are jetting away for a 3-day weekend that costs $3000. We always went and shopped for the occasion to fit in.
Since selling the house, we have lost many friends because my husband went a bit nutty with our finances.
The money stress got to him to the point where he wasn’t sleeping or eating, and he vowed never to let that happen to us again.
Well, here’s the hard part.
Our Realtionship Changed
He no longer buys me flowers, forgets to say “I love you,” and works as many hours as possible to get overtime money.
The holidays are gone; if we spend time together, it’s just a walk around the neighborhood or the local park.
His investment in our finances seems more important than our relationship.
My husband is hoarding money because he fears bankruptcy and does not have enough money to retire.
He values money like one would possessions.
He doesn’t see what he does as a problem but as a solution to living the dream retirement, and he’s willing to sacrifice living now for later.
The problem is he is putting a strain on our relationship because he’s forgotten us and failed to live.
Money isn’t everything, although I understand the need to budget our finances now, which I am on board with.
I’m not happy that I work and have limited money to spend on myself.
We have zero debt, and our mortgage is paid in full.
Marriage Counselling Didn’t Work
My love for him is dwindling, and I’ve talked to him about it many times, and we’ve been to marriage counseling.
The counselor addressed his hoarding money tendencies and asked if he loved me.
He said yes, but we are young and need to save as much as we can, which didn’t sit right with me.
I think he’s read too many new articles about debt, and it’s scared him to death.
He says he won’t be happy until we have at least 2 million dollars in cash saved up. Then he will be able to relax and enjoy life.
I’m on the verge of leaving him because I deserve to be happy too.
Spending all my time at home and work with quick grocery store visits isn’t cutting it.
In a last-ditch effort, what do you or your fans suggest?
Lost in Toronto
Hoarding Money Hurts Relationships
What happens if you aren’t around to enjoy life because one or both of you are gone?
I think he’s undoubtedly unrealistic with his money goals, but compulsive hoarding doesn’t need to be just about “stuff” It can be money.
You are not alone, I’m sure, as there likely are scared other people they won’t have enough money to retire on, so they save every dollar they can.
Some may think that extreme cheapskates are those people, but not necessarily.
You don’t mention that your husband is a cheapskate just because he no longer spends money how he used to and doesn’t allow you to spend money.
You should be able to spend your money and participate in how it will be used.
Relationships Must Be Balanced
I read here a one-sided financial plan for both of you, which can easily cause friction in a relationship.
It’s great that you accept the budget, a simple money-saving concept that everyone should use, but there has to be balance.
Anytime the balance is off with finances, there tends to be a problem.
In your case, you both have no debt, so there is no need for him.
You can’t go on a vacation, or he can’t buy you flowers.
You’ve been to marriage counseling about his money hoarding, and although I’m not a professional, I can’t give you advice from the marriage perspective.
Doing What’s Right For You
I can tell you that if he isn’t willing to work with you, you may need to take measures into your own hands.
Maybe once you are gone, he will realize what he’s done to the relationship and try to make changes, but hopefully, it won’t be too late for the two of you.
Sometimes it’s hard to return the romance once that tie is gone.
Hoarding money is not something to take lightly, and I’m guessing you’ve talked to your doctor about it, and if not, that is certainly somewhere I would start as well.
Budgeting with no debt and living a fulfilled life is a piece of cake, especially if you both have decent earning careers, which you do.
Mrs. CBB and I have no debt or mortgage, BUT we budget in vacation, entertainment, and allowance categories.
Maybe you can talk to your husband about this so you can both enjoy saving and splurging on yourselves.
I hope your husband decides to work with you and the family finances instead of in his financial world.
It sounds like a woman who truly loves him and has searched all areas to make a change is about to give up on him.
I wish you all the luck, and please keep me updated.
Maybe some of the fans will have something to add.
Relationship Money Issues
What does money mean to you?
Money changes people, and it’s not just people who are in debt who may struggle. It’s people who have money and feel they don’t have enough.
Everyone defines money differently and uses it in how they feel will benefit their life but not everyone knows how to balance it.
Money problems are HUGE relationship killers.
In relationships, you are already starting down a rocky road until you can agree about your finances and how the money will be used,
Money hoarding is not something we hear about often in the media, but people may do it and not even know they are doing it.
Budgeting is essential, and I’m the first to admit that paying down debt and saving for retirement are critical savings.
The part of the savings equation that is missing here is living.
If we don’t live, we will die without experiencing life.
You don’t always need money to enjoy life but hoarding cash and not allowing any other expenses but bills take the fun out of life.
Don’t be fooled by the money. It doesn’t have a hold of you unless you let it.
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